Dear Someone,

An open letter to all gear manufacturers.

Yes, in high school I called them label whores, people who proudly wore egregious labels on their clothes. I shunned them. I mocked them. But now I would like to be one.


Dear Black Diamond,
I am willing to overlook the fact that your climbing ski attachment system broke if you send me a pair of Verdicts, size 175 or so. I am not a good telemark skier but I am told that I faceplant like no one else. Maybe your skis would eliminate this, but I think not. Nonetheless this "skill" of mine would be a good selling point. "Who's that guy," people would ask each other, watching me delicately faceflop down a moderately inclined run. They would want to know me, to know how I could withstand such a beating, time and again. They would talk to me and say "Hey, nice skis. Why do you suck so bad?" And I would make mumbled responses through bleeding lips and black eyes but they would notice those skis. You can bank on that, Mr. Black Diamond Rep.

Dear Scarpa and Rottefella, and also Venture Snowboards,
Rottefella, your NTN bindings are great looking in the pictures I have found on the Internet. Finally, no stupid duckbill to get in the way of crampons (number of manufacturers making any sort of adapter for telemark boots that I know of: 1. Way to go Petzl! You can send me some, if you want). Scarpa, your boots look great, judging from the beater pair I saw downstairs in the one telemark shop in Chamonix. The liners looked a little cheesy, but heck, I'd still take a free pair. Here's the kicker, though. I've got a great plan. We already know that I suck at telemark skiing (see post above). So, for the reasons mentioned there, you'd get plenty of exposure through my lack of ability. But think of this: a snowboarder, ripping down Insane Clown Couloir, or something equally rad and sick, bro (pow, gnar - when you're on a bra-speak kick, it's hard to stop) and coming to stop on the glacier below it. He casually reaches down and clicks out of his really cool looking Voile mountain plates mounted to his Venture Divide split board, splits it apart and slaps on his Black Diamond skins and clicks in to the board-cum-skis with his awesome looking orange Scarpa boots on. Later on that day, while casually doing a mellow ice climb called Chips of Fury, he simply leaves his board at the bottom and straps his crampons on, toe and heel bail fitting perfectly, crampon and boot melding together like cheap American cheese on a greasy burger cooked over flames! Rejoice! No more ill-fitting crampon/snowboard boot interface! A real Vibram sole!! Not having to take any shit from elitist skiers about "those comfy little snowboard boots"!!! These are all things that could be real. I've got the plan, I just need the gear. People would be sure to ask questions. Why did you go to all that trouble? Who makes those boots? What kind of system is that? Scarpa, Rottefella, Venture, we could go far. Let's face it, snowboard equipment is still stuck in the adolescent phase. Someone actually tried to sell me a pair of hemp snowboard boots with a "onie" pocket. If you don't know what a "onie" is, talk to your kid's weed dealer. He knows. Snowboarders want crampon-compatible boots with a Vibram sole. They want a splitboard that is light, skins well, and doesn't have traditional strap bindings. We could give them this, guys. I could be the first, unassuming as I am. Don't be afraid to dream, friends. Don't be afraid at all.

Dear EuroSpin of Italy,
You provide such great quanitites of low-quality food at such low prices. I know. I've been eating it for the past two months. And I've grown to love you with all my heart. I'm not asking for much, just a standard sponsorship agreement. I'll proudly wear your colors if you take an additional 25% off your already ridiculously low prices. Also, if you would call me when new shipments of that cheap champagne that I like arrive, that'd be great too.